Me: How’s appa(dad) doing?
My brother: He’s been sleeping since morning..
Me: Oh.. I think he’s drowsy cos of the sedatives.. He’d be fine tomorrow. Don’t worry.. Good night..
After restless 4 hrs.. 14:00 in Chicago| 01:30am IST,
My husband and I were having our lunch, my husband’s phone rang and when I saw my brother’s name flashing on the screen I started panicking. It was past 12 am in India and it is unusual that my brother would call us at that time, the call which I’d never forget.
I gathered some courage, picked the call and asked , “what happened?”
he said, “Can u pass the phone to Hari?”
Me: No tell me.. what’s wrong?!
My husband takes the phone from me.
My brother’s voice was trembling when he said, “Appa passed away”
I could hear him bawl…
I was numb and could hardly grasp what I just heard.. I was as still as a statue..
I wanted to slap myself so that I could cry..
I wanted to scream my lungs out but I just couldn’t..
I wanted to unhear what I just heard..I wish..
I WISHED I COULD REVERSE WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED.
He complained of breathing problem few minutes past midnight and wanted to rush to the hospital, and in no time he passed away peacefully in the arms of my mom and my brother due to cardiac arrest. They were still hopeful and took him to nearest hospital only to hear the doctor pronounce him ‘Dead on Arrival’.
We knew that the time was ticking for him but we din’t know it was THIS soon either. He was recuperating pretty well. He was a fighter throughout the battle; brave,uncomplaining, compassionate. He could have lived another 5-10 years easily. What went wrong?? Did I not pray enough? What did I do to not deserve having my dad around for few more years?
He was (it kills me to use past tense) a very kind, quick-witted, loving, generous, jovial person.. He didn’t deserve to be tortured by this cruel monster.. After long hours of radiation+chemotherapy, sleepless and painful nights, he had lost around 30 kgs but still looked charming as ever with that beautiful smile he wore.. It was heart-breaking and soul-crushing for us to see him suffer and going from this
and finally to this..
Well, so much for having childlike trust towards you. May be He was busy saving someone else’s life but why not my dad’s? Isn’t God supposed to be protecting us from such deadly monsters? Although I feel disappointed and angry at God for not answering my prayers, I’m left with two choices. One to be mad at God and to blame Him
and two, to trust God and His purpose and I chose to live with the the latter. I’m sure God wrapped him around his arms and took him away from us only to relieve the terrible pain my dad had to endure. He is at a better place now, pain free and peaceful.
I’m grateful to God for blessing me with such wonderful parents and lots of sweet memories. We never had a single problem growing up and life was blissful. My parents never fought or argued and were so much in love and complemented each other very well. We were a very happy and contented family mostly because of my dad’s guidance.. Our life will never be the same without him.
It’s been almost 3 months since my dad passed away.. I have faced the worst fear of my life. I’m a totally different person now. I’ve aged emotionally, mentally and spiritually in last few days.
To those who visited me, your presence and words meant so much for me and my family. I really appreciate all of your texts, emails and calls too. Even though every ‘Be strong’, ‘R.I.P’, ‘How you taking it’, and a hundred such messages are a stinging reminder that my dad is no more. I understand that you all are concerned about me and I’m very lucky to have you all during this sad juncture. Thanks for all the oncologists and nurses for providing the best treatment to my dad and kind strangers who donated blood to my dad. THANK YOU!
Speaking of oncologist, the other day when I visited my dad’s oncologist, my heart silently cried for all those patients who are battling this monster. A lot of them had suggested us various treatments for my dad, I want to put it out here so that it may help someone you know. It’s our bad luck that we got to know about all these very late, he might have survived if we had given this treatment much before. So I don’t want you to lose hope, you can fight cancer with an integrated approach of all these following treatments.
1. Any treatment that your oncologist suggests plus
2. Herbal medicine offered by here
4. Do Yoga everyday.
5. Build your immune system.
6. Maintain alkaline diet.
For those who smoke regularly or consume tobacco, if this monster called Cancer doesn’t scare you, nothing else will. Quit it today for the sake of your kith and kin.
If you ask me how I’m dealing the loss, I was totally numb during the initial few weeks but it’s starting to wear off and the reality of loss is sinking in. Sometimes I feel better only to become sad and depressed again. I’m left with no other choice but to plaster a I’m-a-brave-girl face and suck it up only to breakdown in insurance offices and his workplace. The void is huge and it’s killing me and my family. I try to think differently that he’s still here, around me always guiding me. Being that daddy’s little girl that I always am, I would try to carry my father’s legacy forward one day at a time until I’ll be reunited with him.
During his last few days, he was at his childhood home, a place which he loved immensely.. He loved his parents and siblings unconditionally and felt very grateful to God for the life that he was gifted..
We think we have forever, but we don’t.. Life is very short, live it!!
My heart goes out to all of you who is dealing with the pain of loss today..
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