A daughter’s worst nightmare – My Father’s passing …

Phew! I really don’t know if I can do this as it stirs me up , but I wanna pour my heart out.  My tone may seem bland but read it with one full of devastation, rage and disappointment. I lost my dad on January 18th of this year after his 1.5 years of battle with esophagus cancer at the age of 61. I feel so pathetic and unlucky that I couldn’t be with him during the end. To those who don’t know, I stay abroad with my husband. It was a Sunday afternoon for me when I got the news.. Few hours before my father passed, 10 am in Chicago | 21:30 in India
Me: How’s appa(dad) doing?
My brother: He’s been sleeping since morning..
Me: Oh.. I think he’s drowsy cos of the sedatives.. He’d be fine tomorrow. Don’t worry.. Good night..
After restless 4 hrs.. 14:00 in Chicago| 01:30am IST,
My husband and I were having our lunch, my husband’s phone rang and when I saw my brother’s name flashing on the screen I started panicking. It was past 12 am in India and it is unusual that my brother would call us at that time, the call which I’d never forget.
I gathered some courage, picked the call and asked , “what happened?”
he said, “Can u pass the phone to Hari?”
Me: No tell me.. what’s wrong?!
My husband takes the phone from me.
My brother’s voice was trembling when he said, “Appa passed away”
I could hear him bawl…
I was numb and could hardly grasp what I just heard..  I was as still as a statue..
I wanted to slap myself so that I could cry..
I wanted to scream my lungs out but I just couldn’t..
I wanted to unhear what I just heard..I wish..
I WISHED I COULD REVERSE WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED.
He complained of breathing problem few minutes past midnight and wanted to rush to the hospital, and in no time he passed away peacefully in the arms of my mom and my brother due to cardiac arrest. They were still hopeful and took him to nearest hospital only to hear the doctor pronounce him ‘Dead on Arrival’.
We knew that the time was ticking for him but we din’t know it was THIS soon either. He was recuperating pretty well. He was a fighter throughout the battle; brave,uncomplaining, compassionate. He could have lived another 5-10 years easily. What went wrong?? Did I not pray enough? What did I do to not deserve having my dad around for few more years?
 He was (it kills me to use past tense) a very kind, quick-witted, loving, generous, jovial person.. He didn’t deserve to be tortured by this cruel monster.. After long hours of radiation+chemotherapy, sleepless and painful nights, he had lost around 30 kgs but still looked charming as ever with that beautiful smile he wore.. It was heart-breaking and soul-crushing for us to see him suffer and going from this
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to this
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 and finally to this..
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Even though this monster hit him viciously, my dad was always willing and co-operating for any sort of treatment.. He took EVERY.SINGLE treatment no matter how hard, painful or bitter it was.. He din’t let the monster control his life.. Until the day he passed, he showered and dressed on his own.. He did his crossword religiously every morning, he listened to Pink Floyd all the time.. He never complained or gave up even though cancer screamed to give up and he totally believed in God.
Well, so much for having childlike trust towards you.  May be He was busy saving someone else’s life but why not my dad’s? Isn’t God supposed to be protecting us from such deadly monsters? Although I feel disappointed and angry at God for not answering my prayers, I’m left with two choices. One to be mad at God and to blame Him
and two, to trust God and His purpose and I chose to live with the the latter.  I’m sure God wrapped him around his arms and took him away from us only to relieve the terrible pain my dad had to endure. He is at a better place now, pain free and peaceful.
I’m grateful to God for blessing me with such wonderful parents and lots of sweet memories. We never had a single problem growing up and life was blissful. My parents never fought or argued and were so much in love and complemented each other very well. We were a very happy and contented family mostly because of my dad’s guidance.. Our life will never be the same without him.
It’s been almost 3 months since my dad passed away.. I have faced the worst fear of my life.  I’m a totally different person now. I’ve aged emotionally, mentally and spiritually in last few days.
To those who visited me, your presence and words meant so much for me and my family. I really appreciate all of your texts, emails and calls too. Even though every ‘Be strong’, ‘R.I.P’, ‘How you taking it’, and a hundred such messages are a stinging reminder that my dad is no more. I understand that you all are concerned about me and I’m very lucky to have you all during this sad juncture. Thanks for all the oncologists and nurses for providing the best treatment to my dad and kind strangers who donated blood to my dad.  THANK YOU!
Speaking of oncologist, the other day when I visited my dad’s oncologist, my heart silently cried for all those patients who are battling this monster. A lot of them had suggested us various treatments for my dad, I want to put it out here so that it may help someone you know. It’s our bad luck that we got to know about all these very late, he might have survived if we had given this treatment much before. So I don’t want you to lose hope, you can fight cancer with an integrated approach of all these following treatments.
1. Any treatment that your oncologist suggests plus
2. Herbal medicine offered by here
4. Do Yoga everyday.
5. Build your immune system.
6. Maintain alkaline diet.
For those who smoke regularly or consume tobacco, if this monster called Cancer doesn’t scare you, nothing else will. Quit it today for the sake of your kith and kin.
 If you ask me how I’m dealing the loss, I was totally numb during the initial few weeks but it’s starting to wear off and the reality of loss is sinking in. Sometimes I feel better only to become sad and depressed again. I’m left with no other choice but to plaster a I’m-a-brave-girl face and suck it up only to breakdown in insurance offices and his workplace. The void is huge and it’s killing me and my family. I try to think differently that he’s still here, around me always guiding me. Being that daddy’s little girl that I always am, I would try to carry my father’s legacy forward one day at a time until I’ll be reunited with him.
During his last few days, he was at his childhood home, a place which he loved immensely.. He loved his parents and  siblings unconditionally and felt very grateful to God for the life that he was gifted..
We think we have forever, but we don’t.. Life is very short, live it!!
My heart goes out to all of you who is dealing with the pain of loss today..
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17 thoughts on “A daughter’s worst nightmare – My Father’s passing …

  1. May his fine soul rest in peace. And i hope you and your family gain all the courage an d strength to move ahead with him in ur hearts and thoughts every day.

  2. Hey Aishwarya, I’m really sorry for you’re loss! You’re dad may not physically be here but he’s always going to be within you! ! His presence is in everything he taught you! The strength to deal with this is not easy but it is certainly what he would have wanted you to do! Hugs!

  3. Omg aishu just read this post.. Brought tears to my eyes! Sending you lot of hugs da. I know my words cannot console you.. Take care and am sure Appa’s blessings will always be with you Aishu.

  4. I couldn’t control my tears while reading, I know that no words can console you, but remember Appa is watching you and he cannot see you suffering, so take care of you my dear. His blessings will always be with you.

  5. I can’t even imagine this ,tears are rolling in my eyes.Bt one thing i can say pls be strong and happy i know its very difficult.

  6. Aishwarya, I want to be the last person to bring up the feelings of despair that you’ve been struggling to overcome but I couldn’t physically contain the emotions I felt while reading this post. One thing I never wrote about on my blog is the episode of my own father’s cancer and recovery. He was a chain smoker from the time I can remember and on New Year’s eve of the new millennium, my mother and I found ourselves alone at home, as he had to be hospitalised. It goes without saying that 2000 was a very bad year for us. After surgery and painfully long radiations, my handsome father was mostly unrecognizable. But not even once did he show his pain. I’m blessed to say that he survived the daunting experience of fighting cancer.

    But your post tells me that you lived through my worst fear and I cannot imagine how you did it. Every morning, I need to speak to my parents. If I can’t get through to them, I panic. Every time I see my mother’s name flashing on my phone at a time she usually doesn’t call me, I panic.

    My heart goes out to you, Aishwarya. I can’t bring myself to say ‘stay strong’ or ‘be brave’ because you just lived my worst nightmare, and I don’t know what I’d want to hear under the circumstances. I don’t know how I’d cope. My love to you!

    1. OMG I can’t imagine how you took it as you you were barely 10 yo old then. You are a bravo and so so mature, Ankita!Now, I know where you get it from. These dads are really our heroes, aren’t they? 🙂 Thanks for all the love. Stay blessed! <3

  7. I am really sorry for your loss, words cannot express the emotions I went through while reading this post. You are such a strong woman..to smile so bravely after going through such an emotional turmoil..thank you for sharing a part of you which is so painful, but may help someone somewhere..

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