A daughter’s worst nightmare – My Father’s passing …

Phew! I really don’t know if I can do this as it stirs me up , but I wanna pour my heart out.  My tone may seem bland but read it with one full of devastation, rage and disappointment. I lost my dad on January 18th of this year after his 1.5 years of battle with esophagus cancer at the age of 61. I feel so pathetic and unlucky that I couldn’t be with him during the end. To those who don’t know, I stay abroad with my husband. It was a Sunday afternoon for me when I got the news.. Few hours before my father passed, 10 am in Chicago | 21:30 in India
Me: How’s appa(dad) doing?
My brother: He’s been sleeping since morning..
Me: Oh.. I think he’s drowsy cos of the sedatives.. He’d be fine tomorrow. Don’t worry.. Good night..
After restless 4 hrs.. 14:00 in Chicago| 01:30am IST,
My husband and I were having our lunch, my husband’s phone rang and when I saw my brother’s name flashing on the screen I started panicking. It was past 12 am in India and it is unusual that my brother would call us at that time, the call which I’d never forget.
I gathered some courage, picked the call and asked , “what happened?”
he said, “Can u pass the phone to Hari?”
Me: No tell me.. what’s wrong?!
My husband takes the phone from me.
My brother’s voice was trembling when he said, “Appa passed away”
I could hear him bawl…
I was numb and could hardly grasp what I just heard..  I was as still as a statue..
I wanted to slap myself so that I could cry..
I wanted to scream my lungs out but I just couldn’t..
I wanted to unhear what I just heard..I wish..
I WISHED I COULD REVERSE WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED.
He complained of breathing problem few minutes past midnight and wanted to rush to the hospital, and in no time he passed away peacefully in the arms of my mom and my brother due to cardiac arrest. They were still hopeful and took him to nearest hospital only to hear the doctor pronounce him ‘Dead on Arrival’.
We knew that the time was ticking for him but we din’t know it was THIS soon either. He was recuperating pretty well. He was a fighter throughout the battle; brave,uncomplaining, compassionate. He could have lived another 5-10 years easily. What went wrong?? Did I not pray enough? What did I do to not deserve having my dad around for few more years?
 He was (it kills me to use past tense) a very kind, quick-witted, loving, generous, jovial person.. He didn’t deserve to be tortured by this cruel monster.. After long hours of radiation+chemotherapy, sleepless and painful nights, he had lost around 30 kgs but still looked charming as ever with that beautiful smile he wore.. It was heart-breaking and soul-crushing for us to see him suffer and going from this
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to this
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 and finally to this..
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My Happy List

 

It all started when I was going through PMS and badly needed a happy pill.

I asked myself, “what makes me happy?”

I  decided to jot down the things that make me happy cos scribbling on my chalkboard itself makes me happy.

This list made me happy instantly and changed my mood in a jiffy.. best pick-me-up idea ever!

This is MY Happy List.. silly and peppy.

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Not sure if you could relate to any of what I’ve mentioned above(it’s OK,I’m unique like that), do share the list with me if you make one.

xoxo